I received this email forward last night and haven’t stopped laughing! I think many of these thoughts apply to us all in one way or another.
More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.
I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",
all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong!
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and
said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.
Bad decisions make good stories
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
would probably just be completely invisible.
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
and run away?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
Hope these funny comments brighten your day!